>
>APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER_OR GRANDDAUGHTER
>
>NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
>by
>a complete financial statement,
>job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
>
>NAME_________________________
>
>HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
>
>SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
>
>BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________ ____________________
>
>HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
>
>Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
>Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
>If No, explain:
>_____________________________
>
>_____________________________
>
>Number of years they have been married ______________________________
>
>If less than your age, explain
>
>_____________________________
>
>
>_____________________________
>
>
>ACCESSORIES SECTION:
>
>A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes
>__No
>
>B. A truck with oversized tires?
>__Yes
> __No
>
>C. A waterbed?
>__Yes __No
>
>D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes
>__No
>
>E. A tattoo?
> __Yes __No
>
>F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
>__No
> pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
>
>(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
>AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
>
>
>
>ESSAY SECTION:
>
>In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
>
> ______________________________
>
> ______________________________
>
>In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'
>mean
>to you?
>
> ______________________________
>
> ______________________________
>
>In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
>
> ______________________________
>
> ______________________________
>
>
>REFERENCES SECTION:
>
>Church you attend ______________________________
>
>How often you attend ______________________________
>
>When would be the best time to interview your:
>
> father? _____________
>
> mother? _____________
>
> pastor? _____________
>
>
>SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
>
>Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
>are confidential.
>
>A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
>
> ______________________________
>
>B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
>
> ______________________________
>
>C: A woman's place is in the:
>
> ______________________________
>
>D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
>
> ______________________________
>
>E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
>
> ______________________________
>
> ______________________________
>
>F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
>
> ______________________________
>
>F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
>
>I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
>THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
>NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
>WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
>
>
>_____________________________
>Applicant's S ignature (that means sign your name, moron!)
>
>
>_____________________________
>Mother's Signature
>Signature
>_____________________________
>Pastor/Priest/Rabbi
>Representative/Congressman
>Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
>Please allow four to six years for processing.
>
>You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to
>call or write (since
>you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is
>rejected, you will be
>notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you
>might watch your back)
>
>To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
>
>
>
>Daddy's Rules for Dating
>Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
>
>Rule One:
> ; If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
>package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
>
>Rule Two:
> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
>long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
>eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
>
>Rule Three:
> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
>wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
>hips
> Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
>complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
>so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
>showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
>in
>order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
>course
>of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
>your trousers securely in place to your waist.
>
>Rule Four:
> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
>a
>'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
>to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
>
>Rule Five:
> It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
>other,
>we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
>do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
>when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
>word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
>
>Rule Six:
> I have no doubt you are a popu lar fellow, with many opportunities to
>date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
>continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
>her cry, I will make you cry.
>
>Rule Seven:
> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
>and
>more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
>time
>for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
>makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge
> Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
>changing the oil in my car?
>
>Rule Eight:
> The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
>Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
>Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
>hands
> or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
>induce
>my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
>than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
>Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies
>which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
>are better.
>
>Rule Nine:
> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
>middle-aged,
>dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
>all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
>going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth , the whole
>truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
>behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>
>Rule Ten:
> Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
>sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
>near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
>frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
>home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
>both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
>clear
>voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
>to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face
>at the window is mine
>
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