Wednesday, February 27, 2008
=
Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Monday, February 25, 2008
GREAT VIDEO'S
puppetteer extrodainaire from al m on Vimeo.
SESAME STREET IN DA HOOD from al m on Vimeo.
squirell gets even from al m on Vimeo.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's
2 The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'
18. No one ever says 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: 'Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires o nly one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE :
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The positi on of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit
HOW many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you Smile.
Send to all the people you love and don't want to lose in 2007, even Me....
If you get 3 back, you are a great friend
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we'r e here we should Dance....
'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife.
Can I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old
fellow, said, 'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with
tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.
Dubai in 1990 prior to the craziness
The same street in 2003
Last year
The madness. Dubai is said to currently have
15-25% of all the world's cranes
.
The Dubai Water front. When completed it will become
the largest waterfront development in the world
.
All of this was built in the last 5 years, including that
island that looks like a palm tree.
The Palm Islands in Dubai. New Dutch dredging technology
was used to create these massive man made islands. They
are the largest artificial islands in the world and can be seen
from space. Three of these Palms will be made with the last
one being the largest of them all.
Upon completion, the resort will have 2,000 villas,
40 luxury hotels, shopping centers, movie theaters,
and many other facilities. It is expected to support
a population of approximately 500,000 people.
It is advertised as being visible from the moon.
The World Islands. 300 artificially created islands
in the shape of the world. Each island will have
an estimated cost of $25-30 million.
The Burj al-Arab hotel in Dubai. The worlds tallest hotel.
Considered the only '7 star' hotel and the most luxurious
hotel in the world. It stands on an artificial island in the sea.
Hydropolis, the world's first underwater hotel.
Entirely built in Germany and then assembled
inDubai, it is scheduled to be completed by 2009
after many delays.
The Burj Dubai. Construction began in 2005 and is
expected to be complete by 2008. At an estimated
height of over 800 meters, it will easily be world's
tallest building when finished. It will be almost 40% taller
than the the current tallest building, the Yaipei 101.
This is what downtown Dubai will look like around 2008-2009.
More than 140 stories of the Burj Dubai have already been
completed. It is already the worlds tallest man made structure
and it is still not scheduled to be completed for at least
another year.
The Al Burj. This will be the centerpiece of the
Dubai Waterfront. Once completed it will take
over the title of the tallest structure in the world
from the Burj Dubai.
Recently it was announced that the final height
of this tower will be 1200 meters. That would
make it more than 30% taller than the Burj Dubai
and three times as tall as the Empire State Building.
This is a city on crack.
The Burj al Alam, or The World Tower. Upon completion
it will rank as the world's highest hotel. It is expected to
be finished by 2009. At 480 meters it will only be 28 meters
shorter than theTaipei 101.
The Trump International Hotel & Tower, which will be the
centerpiece of one of the palm islands, The Palm Jumeirah.
Dubailand. Currently, the largest amusement park collection
in the world is Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, which
is also the largest single-site employer in the United states
with 58,000 employees. Dubailand will be twice the size.
Dubailand will be built on 3 billion square feet (107 miles^2)
at an estimated $20 billion price tag. The site will include a
purported 45 mega projects and 200 hundred other smaller
projects.
Dubai Sports City. A huge collection of sports arenas
located in Dubailand.
Currently, the Walt Disney World Resort is the #1 tourist
destination in the world. Once fully completed, Dubailand
will easily take over that title since it is expected to
attract 200,000 visitors daily.
The Dubai Marina is an entirely man made development
that will contain over 200 highrise buildings when finished.
It will be home to some of the tallest residential
structures in the world. The completed first phase
of the project is shown. Most of the other high rise
buildings will be finished by 2009-2010.
The Dubai Mall will be the largest shopping mall in the
world with over 9 million square feet of shopping and
around 1000 stores. It will be completed in 2008.
Ski Dubai, which is already open, is the largest indoor skiing
facility in the world. This is a rendered image of another
future indoor skiing facility that is being planned.
Some of the tallest buildings in the world, such as
Ocean Heights and The Princess Tower, which will
be the largest residential building in the world at
over a 100 stories, will line the Dubai Marina.
The UAE Spaceport would be the first spaceport in
the world if construction ever gets under way.
I'm not joking...
Some other crazy .. The Dubai Metro system, once
completed, will become the largest fully automated
rail system in the world. The Dubai W orld Central
International Airport will become the largest airport
in size when it is completed. It will also eventually
become the busiest airport in the world, based on
passenger volume. There are more construction
workers in Dubai than there are actual citi zens