Sunday, March 22, 2009

Strange quotes

Strange Quotes - When Insults Had Class:

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party,
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - Are They Male or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

why

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****


cancer

AFTER YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE CHEMOTHERAPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO TRY ('TRY', BEING THE KEY WORD) TO ELIMINATE CANCER, JOHNS HOPKINS I! S FINALLY STARTING TO TELL YOU THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE WAY .

Cancer Update from Johns Hopkins :

1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached the detectable size.

2. Cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10 times in a person's lifetime.

3. When the person's immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed and prevented from multiplying and forming tumors.

4. When a person has cancer it indicates the person has multiple nutritional deficiencies. These could be due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.

5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.

6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow, gastrointestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc.

7. Radiation while destroying cancer cells also burns, scars and damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.

8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce tumor size. However prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do not result in more tumor destruction.

9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.

10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause cancer cells to spread to other sites.

11. An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.

CANCER CELLS FEED ON:

a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. By cutting off sugar it cuts off one important food supply to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc. are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better natural substitute would be Manuka honey or molasses but only in very small amounts. Table salt has a chemical added to make it white in color. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos or sea salt.

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus. By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soy milk cancer cells are being starved.

c. Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds, nuts and a little fruits help put the body into an alkaline environment. About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).
!
e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine.. Green tea is a better alternative and has cancer fighting properties. Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.

12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines become putrified and leads to more toxic buildup.

!
13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy the cancer cells.

14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Flor-ssence, Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis, or programmed cell death, the body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded cells.

15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger, unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to relax and enjoy life.

16. Cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Exercising daily, and deep breathing help to get more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another means employed to destroy cancer cells.

1. No plastic containers in micro.
2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.. Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This is an article that should! be sent to anyone important in your life

maybe

Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the
wrong people before meeting the right

one so that, when we finally meet the

right person, we will know how to be
grateful for that gift.


Maybe
. . . when the door of happiness
closes, another opens; but, often
times, we look so long at the closed
door that we don't even see the new
one which has been opened for us.


Maybe
. . . it is true that we don't
know what we have until we lose it,
but it is also true that we don't know
what we have been missing until it
arrives.


Maybe
. . . the happiest of people
don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.


Maybe
.. . . the brightest future will
always be based on a forgotten past;
after all, you can't go on
successfully in life until you let go
of your past mistakes, failures and
heartaches.



Maybe
. . . the best kind of friend is
the kind you can sit on a porch and
swing with, never say a word, and then
walk away feeling like it was the best
conversation you've ever had.


Maybe
. . you should always try to put
yourself in others' shoes. If you feel
that something could hurt you, it
probably will hurt the other person,
too..


Maybe
. . you should do something nice
for someone every single day, even if
it is simply to leave them alone.


Maybe
. giving someone all your love
is never an assurance that they will
love you back. Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in
their heart; but, if it doesn't, be
content that it grew in yours.


Maybe
. . . happiness waits for all those
who cry, all those who hurt, all those who
have searched, and all those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance
of all the people who have touched their lves.

Maybe
. . . you shouldn't go for
looks; they can deceive; don't go for
wealth; even that fades away. Go for
someone who makes you smile, because
it takes only a smile to make a dark
day seem bright. Find the one that
makes your heart smile.


Maybe
. you should hope for enough
happiness to make you sweet, enough
trials to make you strong, enough
sorrow to keep you human, and enough
hope to make you happy.


Maybe
. . . you should try to live
your life to the fullest because when
you were born, you were crying and
everyone around you was smiling but
when you die, you can be the one who
is smiling and everyone around you
crying.
Maybe you should have faith in the things you cannot see.
Maybe you should trust your faith. Maybe you should trust that you are loved. Maybe you should trust that you are lovable.

Maybe
. . . you could send this message
to those people who mean something to
you, to those who have touched your
life, to those who can and do make you
smile when you really need it, to
those who make you see the brighter
side of things when you are really
down, and to all those whom you want
to know that you appreciate them and
their friendship.
And if you don't, don't worry; nothing
bad will happen to you. You will just
miss out on the opportunity to perhaps
brighten someone's day.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear employees,

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 year s of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligib le for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Strange Quotes: When Insults Had Class

Strange Quotes: When Insults Had Class

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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Today's Featured Humor : -) - - Strange Aptronyms - Names That Match the Occupation

These are real APTRONYMS...
names that match the occupations.

Ray Ferrie is a retired ferryboat captain.

Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.

The current Florida Bar directory lists eight lawyers whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council, but no Counsel.

Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a grade school.

Mr. Sues is a lawyer.

A soldier was spotted at a San Francisco military base with the nametag "Mankiller."

The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urology Association includes 9 Dr. Peters, 11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr. Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox, 1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr. Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr. John Thomas and 1 Dr. Insoft

Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.

Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.

Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive psychologist.

Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.

Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.

Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.

Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.

Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.

Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.

A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.

George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son, Pete Hammer, now owns it.

The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe of Southwest University of Minnesota.

In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named Dr. DeKay.

Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.

There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears who represent employers in employment litigation.

At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage.

Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an ophthalmologist.

There's a used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.

At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat inspector is named Mr. Carrion.

Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name translated from German means "butcher."

Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY. Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr. Cocky and Dr. Wee.

Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas.

There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr. Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr. Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his profession.

And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant is Susan Penwarden.

Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist.

Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist.

Dr. Hertz was a dentist in Ft. Lauderdale.

Rev. D. Goodenough is a Methodist minister.

Roland Cruz is an auto mechanic.

Dr. Slaughter is an oral surgeon.

DOLPHIN STAMPEDE