ON SAFARI INSIDE A ZEBRA

GETTING OFF THE ELEVATOR

TOYOTA LAWNMOWERS RECALLED

AIRPORT SCREENING

GOOD DRUNKEN DRIVING MOVIE

CATERPILLAR SKIING

IDEAS

CLEVER IDEAS WORTH KNOWING
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.
If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.



Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.
It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!


Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.


Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef.
It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of
spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste
of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm.
This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.


Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up.
Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg.
Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.


Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size.
You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in
a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
moist and help it reheat faster.


Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers,
put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and for-
get about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not
get through wet newspapers.


Broken Glass
Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
No More Mosquitoes

Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.


Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

Flexible vacuum

To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... ta da! ... static is gone.


Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such
as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.


Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Re opening envelopes
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.


Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.


Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!


Get Rid of Ants

Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material ... I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well ... the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the drye r sheets to make your clothes soft and static free ... that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box ... well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very longtime (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?! Learn something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!

Note: I went to my dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it .. the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.

CAROL

SNOPES REPORT

Hello again from snopes, where we shed light on the wild tales you've heard! This e-mail gives information about new articles recently added to the snopes.com

web site and provides pointers to older pieces about rumors and hoaxes still wandering into everyone's inboxes.

Our last update mailing was 26 December 2009.

If after this update you are left wondering about something newly arrived in your inbox, our search engine

stands ready to assist you. Bookmark that URL — it's a keeper!

And now to the legends, the mayhem, and the misinformation!

---

New Articles

• Does Facebook plan to begin charging
  users $4.99 a month in June 2010?
• E-mailed account purportedly tells the real story of Tiger Woods'
  auto accident.
• Ubiquitous press prankster
  returns for the holiday season to bedevil newspaper editors.
• Letter chides
  California senator Barbara Boxer for asking a general to address her as "Senator."
• Clever thief finds an inventive way to steal
  right under a guard's nose.
• Is men's underwear
  referred to as 'BVDs' because the term is an abbreviation of the phrase 'Boy's Ventilated Drawers'?
• Texted exhortation claims the phone company will donate
  $2 for a baby girl's heart transplant every time the message is forwarded.
• Don't forget to visit our Daily Snopes
  page for a collection of odd news stories from around the world!

Worth a Second Look

• New Year's: Some common beliefs and superstitions about bringing in the New Year
  .

Still Haunting the Inbox

• Some rumors about snopes.com
  were debunked
  at FactCheck.org.
• Account describes a purported "dry run" by Muslim terrorists
  on an AirTran flight.
• Postcard / Greeting Card virus
  .
• E-mailed computer virus
  masquerades as parcel company's delivery failure notification.
• Letter purportedly written by nonagenarian Navy veteran
  criticizes President Obama.
• Let's Say Thanks: Xerox-sponsored web site allows the public to send free postcards
  to U.S. troops.
• Warning about cash back charges
  being surreptitiously placed on WalMart customers' credit cards.
• Message promises consumers can receive free laptop
  computers from Ericsson for forwarding an e-mail to their friends.
• E-mail advises contacting police
  by calling #77 (or *677) on a cell phone.
• E-warning cautions that cell phone
  numbers are being sold to telemarketers.
• A Thanksgiving advertising circular issued by Best Buy
  wishes readers a "Happy Eid al-Adha."
• Claim that "The Twelve Days of Christmas" was created as a coded
  reference to important articles of the Christian faith.
• Message from Vietnam vet claims Target
  stores do not support veterans.
• Claim that a federal judge has ordered Barack Obama to prove
  his eligibility for the presidency in court.
• Claim that Rep. Nancy Pelosi regularly travels
  to California on a 200-seat jet.
• Warning about 'Osama Captured/Hanged' computer virus
  .
• Actor/writer Ben Stein's
  commentary on the observance of Christmas.
• Warning that robbers are flinging eggs
  at cars to impair drivers' vision and force them to stop.
• Photographs purportedly show a coyote
  that survived an eight-hour trip wedged behind a car bumper.
• U.S. postage stamp commemorates Islamic
  holidays.
• Warning about criminals' using burundanga-soaked business cards to incapacitate
  their victims.
• Mail Server Report
  virus.
• Warnings about scammers' luring phone users into returning calls to numbers within the 809
  area code.
• List details changes
  made to the Social Security program over the years.
• Prayer request for Cindy Hogman, a wife and mother battling
  cervical cancer.
• Warning about thieves
  armed with "code grabbers" breaking into cars by recording signals sent from remote keyless entry devices.

Fraud Afoot

• Seems like everyone has become the recipient of mysterious e-mails promising untold wealth if only one helps a wealthy foreigner quietly move millions of dollars out of his country. The venerable 419 Scam
  has discovered the goldmine that is the Internet. Beware: There's still no such thing as "something for nothing," and the contents of your bank account will end up with these wily foreigners if you fall in with this.
• Likewise, look out for mailings announcing you've won a foreign lottery
  you don't recall entering or claiming that because you share the surname of a wealthy person who died without leaving a will you're in line for a windfall inheritance
  .
• And be especially wary if, while trying to sell or rent anything online (car, boat, horse, motorcycle, painting, apartment, you name it) you're approached by a prospective buyer/renter who wants to pay with a cashier check made out for an amount in excess
  of the agreed-upon price and who asks the balance be sent to a third party.
• Aspiring work-at-homers
  promised big bucks for acting as intermediaries for international transactions wherein they cash checks for other parties or reship goods to them have been defrauded by con artists. Don't you be next.

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  .

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE

a. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. b. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before c. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. d. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. e. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine f. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. g. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. h. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? i. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. j. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. l. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. m. Definition of a will: A dead give away. n. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. o. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. q. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll be repossessed. r. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. s. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. t. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. u. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under. v. Every calendar's days are numbered. w. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. x. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. y. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. z. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. AND: aa. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. ab. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. ac. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ad. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010 "PG"]

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky.

Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.

It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3

Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number ONE Thought For 2010 :

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers:

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!

DON'T RUN RED LIGHTS

School bus in India

THE NEXT TWO PICS ARE SCHOOL BUSES IN JAPAN


and yet, when you have a technical problem with your computer - your call ends up in India ?/b>

HOW BAD IS IT?!

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can
you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you can call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Homeland Security

DEER HUNTING

Click here: Dreaming Of A White Christmas

24 HOURS AOF AIR TRAFFIC AS SEEN FROM SPACE

The yellow dots are airplanes in the sky during a 24 hour period. Stay with the picture. You will see the light of the day moving from the east to the west, as the Earth spins on its axis. Also you will see the aircraft flow of traffic leaving the North American continent and travelling at night to arrive in the UK in the morning. Then you will see the flow changing, leaving the UK in the morning and flying to the American continent in daylight. It is a 24 hour observation of all of the large aircraft flights in the world, condensed down to about 2 minutes. From space we look like a bee hive of activity. You could tell it was summer time in the north by the sun's foot print over the planet. You could see that it didn't quite set in the extreme north and it didn't quite rise in the extreme south. I have never seen this before. We are taught about the earth's tilt and how it causes summer and winter and have had to imagine just what is going on. With this 24 hour observation of aircraft travel on the earth's surface we get to see the daylight pattern move as well. Remember watch the day to night ..... day is over Australia when it starts.

FUN STUFF

WHO CREATED THIS MESS?

45 PEOPLE
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does..

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason.. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.
What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red ..

If the Army &Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

What you do with this article now that you have read it.......... Is up to you.


This might be funny if it weren't so darned true.
Be sure to read all the way to the end:

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule..

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
Taxes drove me
to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge T ax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Ser vice FeeTax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge=2 0Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'
And I still have to 'press 1' for

HUNDREDS GATHER TO PROTEST GLOBAL WARMING

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DANCE

MOOSE FALLS IN CRACK

CLASSIC

FUNNY

Senior Health Care Solution:

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

WE ARE CONNECTED

DAY LABORER AT HOME DEPOT

HOW TO CHANGE A FAN BELT

THE WOOD SPIDER

PAPER PENIS FOR WOMEN

THINGS CHANGE

THE YEAR 1909

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :
************ ********* ********* ******
The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph..

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'


( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

I am now going to forward this to someone else(( Yes----YOU..)) without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND

INSIDE THE SPACE STATION

LAW ENFORCEMENT DEALING WITH THE PUBLIC

top four outrageous moments

to my friends

http://www.box.net/shared/static/f76qttkvxn.pps

just water

http://www.box.net/shared/static/8533hdqtyq.pps

lunch on the skyscraper

http://www.box.net/shared/static/8ffkm5scij.pps

Strange quotes

Strange Quotes - When Insults Had Class:

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party,
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

==============================

====

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Are They Male or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female! Ha! You thought we'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

why

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****