Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
CALL JESUS
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-608-777-1312
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-608-777-1312
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
HEART ATTACK!
This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but about
For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
Common Symptoms Of Heart Attack...
A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line .
You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
the older crowd
THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then,
just how serious my condition is,
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery....
he had insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
and something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then,
just how serious my condition is,
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery....
he had insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
and something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
*************************************
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know "why"
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to return to your youth,
remember Algebra.
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know "why"
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to return to your youth,
remember Algebra.
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change
from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><&g t;<><><>
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down!
---------------------------------
Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The second old guy says,
"That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"
" The second old guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********************
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and,
Your hand over my mouth!!
no one tells you about aging is
that it is such a nice change
from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><&g t;<><><>
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down!
------------------------------
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The second old guy says,
"That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"
" The second old guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********************
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and,
Your hand over my mouth!!
1908
THE YEAR 1908
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :
************************************
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
It myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A
Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!
UNBELIEVABLE
This is unbelievable.....if anyone can figure out how they do this, let me know!!!
CLICK ON HOUSE
Saturday, June 14, 2008
HOLY SMOKES
Here is why sissies use fishing poles
What's a hungry catfish to do for chow--now? Huadu is a district with a large city of the same name in China .
Its just a catfish, he won't bite!
For all those crazy guys who go 'noodling' for catfish and stick their arms down the fish's throat!! This would really be 'all the catfish you can eat.'
Each year, a few people will be drowned mysteriously in Huadu's Furong Reservoir. It was not until recently when the son of a certain official went swimming in the reservoir with his friend and were drowned that the secret was unravelled!
It's a 3 metre long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 metre wide! After cutting up the catfish people were surprised to find the remains of a man inside!
Because this was a huge incident, and the local government was afraid of the impact on local tourism, they imposed an embargo on the news, but people came away with these pictur es taken on their cell phones of the man-eating fish!
Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters
GAS STATION CHEATS
> We saw on the news the other night that this is happening
everywhere.
>
> Brian pumped exactly one gallon of gas. The price did not match
> the cost of one gallon, it was higher. He went inside and
> complained, got a refund..
> There is also a number on each pump that you can call and com plain.
>
> T his is a true story, so read it carefully.
> On April 24, 2008, I stopped at a BP gas station in GA. My truck's
> gas gauge
> was on 1/4 of a tank. I use the mid-grade, which was priced at
> $3.71 per gallon. When my tank is at this point, it takes somewhere
> around 14 gallons to fill it up.
>
> When the pump showed 14 gallons had been pumped I began to slow it
> down, then to my surprise it went to 15, then 16. I even looked
> under
> my truck to see if it was being spilled. It was not. Then it
> showed 17
> gallons on the pump. It stopped at 18 gallons. This was very
> strange to me,
> since my truck has only an 18 gallon tank. I went on my way a
little
> confused, then on the evening news I heard a report that 1 out of
> 4 gas
> stations had calibrated their pumps to show more gas had been
> pumped than a person actually go t.
>
> Here i s how to check a pump to see if you are getting the right
> amount:
>
> Whichever grade you are using, put EXACTLY 10 GALLONS in your tank,
> then look at the dollar amount. If the dollar amount is not
> EXACTLY 10
> times the price of the fuel you have chosen, then the pumps are
> rigged. In my case as I said the mid-grade was $3.71 9/10 per
> gallon; my dollar amount for 10 gallons should have been $37.19. I
> wish I had checked the pump. It doesn't
> matter where you pump gas, please check the 10 gallon price.
>
> If you do find a station that is cheating, contact the state
> Agriculture Department, and direct your comments to the
> Commissioner--info is on the gas
> pumps.
3 HILLBILLIES
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
- Due To the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
- Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
-
- You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
- And Furthermore...
- HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - she is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
- 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
- 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
- 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
- "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
- 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
- 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."
- HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
- "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
- 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
- 3. He does not " GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
- 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
- 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
- RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
- 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
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